Wife Swap Across the Pond

Now we all know the show Wife Swap, and probably all secretly enjoy watching a chavy ASBO filled family of brother-dads and sister-mums from Scunthorpe swap their mother figure with a Soho based family whose children vomit their parent's money straight into the g-strings of London's lapdancers. However, you're always going to get polar opposites being swapped over, as two incredibly similar families swapping wife roles would look as dull as Gordon Brown reading the dictionary. Yet it amazes me how the people on the show still haven't realised themselves that they're going to be trading places with someone totally different to them and their families. The shock that a picture perfect housewife from Cornwall experiences when she ends up living in a caravan with a Gypsy family is nice to watch as in you're mind a huge flashing sign pops up saying "CONFLICT IMMINENT", but I still find it baffling as she says things like "I didn't sign up for this" and "I can't believe this".

This shock is more evident in the American version, as the wives can be essentially the same but with an added ingredient that we in Britain got rid of, much like swine flu and mr bean. This element is religion. The Christianity fuelled families go beserek at morals, the lord's word, family values etc and when it's time for the rule changes to be implemented they freak out and go insane, pacing around their kitchen quoting various bible verses that don't make sense "The Lord's cheese shall not be grated - Matthew 3:17". It's actually a little bit scary to watch. Now I'm not saying there's anything wrong with religion or having a faith, all I'm saying (speaking as an 18 year old who thinks he knows it all when actually I can't even fry an egg, seriously, there's just too much aparatus involved) is that it just isn't as dominant in the media or society any more, sure we get things like Songs of Praise and The Heaven and Earth Show but that's not really anything, so when you get a huge dollop of American preacher material shoved on to your screen it's quite weird to watch, as you can't, quite, believe these people are being serious.

Now this is just a brief article, I'm only really writing it because I've had one too many pepsi's (or Fizzy Pop as it's known to anyone over 40) and can't sleep, and just watched a rather eye opening episode of the show in question.

Killing the Undead - Again

When Valve announced that Left 4 Dead 2 was in development some time ago, there were mixed reactions within the gaming community. Some were happy to hear of a second installment of this year's Online Game of the Year, the first being a huge success with both fans and critics. Although some people were slightly mifted that they did not spend more time nurturing Left 4 Dead 1, with the lack of DLC maps being rather fleeting and downplayed (Xbox 360 owners being rather annoyed that the PC version was given their downloadable content free but them being required to pay 540 Microsoft Points, however this WAS NOT Valve's decision).

Upon playing it I can only applaude Valve at another fine display of their work. Left 4 Dead 2 takes all the elements that made the first so enjoyable and capitalised on them, making them bigger and more badass than they were in the first. Understandably some people may just think that this Left 4 Dead with a fresh coat of paint, just with different characters and new maps. Thankfully they couldn't be more wrong. Left 4 Dead 2 features 4 new unique and comical characters, all with distinctive backgrounds, dialogue and attitudes. Valve gives you intense action with some dark humour injected into parts, with the characters occasionally mocking one another during the very sparce calm moments.

There are 4 new faces to play as in the campaigns: Coach (my personal favourite), a high school gym teacher that looks like Danny Glover if he let himself go and speaks in very much the same way (if you dont't know what I mean, please see Predator 2). Nick, a suave gambler that is slightly cocky but is still a solid team player. Rochelle, a hot head very much in the mould of Zoe from L4D 1 and finally Ellis, a friendly yet simple red neck who has an attitude like Francis in that shooting nearly everything alive pleases him no end.

The campaigns this time around still maintain the same "Movie" type style but with a much stronger narrative than before. In the first, it was unclear whether each campaign was linked or they were seperate ideas but now it is clearly shown that one follows on from where the previous finishes and the true finale is on The Parish campaign (Campaign 5). These stories are populated with new special infected (as if the first lot weren't bad enough) there are even more annoying super powered zombies to try and make you epic fail. The Jockey that takes control of a Survivour and steers him around in deadly areas populated with hundreds of infected. Spitter, a lanky woman who shoots dangerous acid that makes an area toxic for a short period, her ability mainly being designed to keep the survivours apart, maybe leaving one guy on his own and having to fend for himself until the acid subsides. The Charger, who wears dungerees (which is hilarious) and rams through the group to split them up. He also has the ability to pick up and carry one survivour a worrying amount of feet and them slam them into the ground over and over. One of his arms is also huge. Thought you might like to know that.....

In addition to this there are also uncommon infected, who don't have special abilities as such but do have something a little different about them. One is unique to each campaign, Clowns being confined to the Carnival where they have the ability to lead common zombies, Infected CEDA Agents have resilient suits and can use Boomer Bile, Army infected are unaffected by pistol bullets and Swampy Mudmen obscure your vision when they hit you. So there are plenty of dangerous undead mo fos to watch out for.

Valve's unique strength again comes from its random element generator and "The Director", an AI generator that seemingly controls the environment, chooses what special infected to spawn and where, when to launch a horde wave attack etc but has now been refined. Not only this, according to how fast or slow you are moving or how good or bad you are doing, your path to the holy safe room can be a straightforward path or a complex maze of constant corners. I think that element that made L4D 1 so replayable was the fact that you would never play the same game twice. Now this variety has been expandable, instead of just the standard SMG/M16 you are given a whole host of weapons, some of which look borrowed from a game featuring warfare of a very modern kind. Aww if I only I could remember the name of it......Never mind. You can keep your distance and pick off infected heads with a Sniper Rifle or sprint round giving the zombies the old 3 burst fire from a Scar-H. Melee weapons have also been introduced but these take the place of your pistol(s) so you must choose whether you want to twang heads with a guitar or take a Deagle on your travels.

All in all this game is a solid buy, Valve have outdone themselves once again, providing us with a new modern L4D which we can all get down to. If you do find yourself wondering whether to purchase a game where on the box art a zombie is giving you the peace sign, just remember, you get to kill zombies. Thousands of them. Over and over again. Plus the sight of a Tank in tight jeans is worth seeing because its just so funny.

ODST: Original Dynasty or Shockingly Terrible?

Your alone. In the dead of night. Stuck in a city you've never set foot in before and the things around you want to rip you limb from limb. No not Manchester, its the city of New Mombasa which is where the event of Bungie's latest installment in the Halo saga, Halo 3: ODST takes place. Taking place somewhere between the events of Halos 2 and 3, ODST puts you in control of a rookie Orbital Drop Shock Trooper named (wait for it).......Rookie. Alright, so we never really find out his name or see his face, but he still looks pretty cool and is a nice break from playing the same old Spartan Master Chief, however cool Sierra 117 may be.

After a botched deployment, you as the rookie are separated from the rest of your squadron and wake up 6 hours later, emerging into the city at night and have to search for them. This night time scenario serves as a type of hub, and depends on you finding various objects at certain locations, maybe a broken sniper rifle or destroyed gauss cannon, after which u flashback to how the object ended up there, jumping back in time a few hours and taking the role of each of your squad members. The focus on story-telling in this edition is dynamic, clever and original, breaking away from the traditional linear story line plots of most FPSs. Even though the docile environment of the night may seem like you have missed all the action, the flashback roles of your squad that take place during the day are full of fast paced action and shooting. It can range from steering a Scorpion tank through the narrow roads and streets, flying a Banshee in and around the skyscrapers to fighting your way to your ship 100 billion feet off the ground (the numbers may need to be checked). Whatever the situation, Bungie seem to have covered all their bases and in all fairness they've done it quite well.

The inclusion of the new Firefight mode, a mode similar to the Horde in Gears of War 2, sees you try to survive waves and waves of Covenant forces who will attempt to plasma your shields, sticky grenade your face and Gravity Hammer your unmentionables. This mode (like Horde) is not just that you get more and more Grunts running at you. For starters, the infamous skulls of the Halo universe are turned on, with more activating after each round is finished, each round consisting of 5 waves and each Set consisting of 3 rounds. So to recap, 5 Waves = 1 Round - 3 Rounds = 1 Set. Each wave within the round gets progressively harder, with Wave 1 consisting of grunts and jackals, with the final waves containing Hammer and Fuel Rod Brutes as well as everyone's most hated party guest, Hunters. This mode is obviously designed to replace the missing multiplayer matchmaking, that instead taken care of by the addition of the 2nd disc which includes every single map to date as well as the unreleased half of the Mythic Maps. Designed to be taken on by you and 3 friends will obviously be much better and 20 times more enjoyable than you having to make a stand all by yourself with nothing but a Plasma Pistol.

All in all, this is a tidy little game. The campaign is a decent amount of fun, albeit much shorter than the other Halo campaigns, but still good enough to keep people interested. 30 pounds for 2 discs worth of Halo is a neat price but if you have Halo 3 and also purchased the DLC multiplayer bundles, you're kind of paying for it again, which will put many people off. But if your a Halo fan, you will probably add this to your collection.

The Top 5 Guitar Hero Games

If your torn between which game you should rock your socks off to, allow me to lend some help. What with the recent arrival of Guitar Hero 5 and The Beatles: Rock Band, it seems that many people are rushing out to buy the latest installments when actually, you could probably get an older, better and cheaper game with much better songs on it. I shall tell you (in my opinion) which are the top five Guitar Hero games to buy, allowing you to drum, sing and strum yourself silly. Let us begin at the beginning (great place to begin)...

1. Guitar Hero Metallica

Dear lord there has never been more an intense shredding session than GH Metallica! One of the best and most intense bands of the 20th century has a whole setlist devoted to their greatness! I have chosen this first as I think it is the most fun and has some of my favourite songs on it. Getting to play things like Fade to Black, Fight Fire with Fire, Wherever I May Roam, Mercyful Fate and Fuel makes my fingers orgasm with delight. Activision has paid great homage to the band, with incredible likeness and detail going into everything from Lar's drumsticks to Rob's qudad ponytails, which they failed to do back in Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, with Lars giving his sly smirks, James being intensly central and interacting with the crowd and Rob and Kirk just being immense. This is only for the hardcore expert player or a true Metallica fan, as playing on Medium is slightly bittersweet in my view as you can play the song but know your missing probably half the notes out. Not only does this game feature the gods of metal but it also features bands that have either inspired or been inspired by Metallica, such bands as Queen, Mastadon, Machine Head, System of a Down and Bob Seger. This game probably won't be for everyone, but in my view is the best GH game Activision have made.

2. Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock

This was the first ever GH game I owned, the one that sparked my love affair with the 5 coloured buttons. This game is a great mix of difficulties, varied songs and has unlimited playability. There's something in there for everyone, from the chillaxed Indie fan (When You Were Young by The Killers, Reptilia by The Strokes and Helicopter by Bloc Party), to the old school rock and roll people (Cities on Flame by Blue Oyster Cult, Rock and Roll All Night by KISS and Rock You Like a Hurricane by The Scorpions) to the intense metal heads (tracks like One by Metallica, Raining Blood by Slayer and Before I Forget by Slipknot). This game has all the necessary ingredients to keep every type of Guitar Hero happy. The achievements aren't bad either, and also has the best and easiest hit system to date, not to mention DLC packs like DragonForce, Muse and Velvet Revolver.

3. Guitar Hero World Tour

This isn't really one of my favourites but I think it would suit most people as the songs are the most varied mix. Very different music types all blended into one setlist and plus this was the first introduction of all instruments in a Guitar Hero game (Rock Band's Rock in a Box being the first). Not many songs keep me happy on that game so I'm found to be playing Assassin by Muse, Trapped Under Ice by Metallica and Pull Me Under by Dream Theater over and over, but would recommend this for most people as this is slightly less intense and easier to pick up and play than GH3: LoR. The size of the setlist is huge compared to the previous installments, and the range of online modes is a nice change of pace from the usual Face-off, Pro Face-off and Co-op modes, with the introduction of new instruments allowing each song to have 3 seperate note tracks and allowing veteran players to get to grips with guitar, drums and vocals.

4. Guitar Hero 5

The latest installment is probably a decent buy, with 85 songs by 83 artists showing that Activision is really casting its net to the far corners of society to capture anyone and everyone it can. Music ranging from Bob Dylan to Arctic Monkeys and Blink 182 sounds like a good idea on paper with the company trying to please everyone, but the lack of focus here is a let down for me. However, the simplicity of the game makes it very user friendly, even for people who are over 40 and have a phobia of the joypad. There is just one big main menu, with the confusing to navigate mini menus that littered the previous titles being removed and the game being revamped to make it more appealing to newcomers without offending the hardcores. The drop in drop out play is a welcome feature, with your friends able to just join in, pick and instrument and jump right in with you. The tedious procedure of playing the early, easy and somewhat mundance songs in career mode has been eliminated and the career is now based on how many stars you can earn, allowing you to have alot more control and overall, fun. The in-song and band challenges will keep the addicts and completionists coming back for more. Overall I would this is a safe option as your first buy, but wouldn't being up 'til 3am on ebay outbidding some guy from poland to get it

5. Guitar Hero II

This is very old school, and so it obviously does has its flaws but you can tell that Activision, Harmonix and RedOctane had real bash and putting together this title. The hit system is very difficult to nail, as a slight mistime of a hammer on can shoot your note streak straight out of the sky, also it is very hard to differentiate between what is a normal note and what is a hammer-on/pull-off due to the poor and sketchy visuals but I suppose that is not what the game is about, it's about rocking. This has a decent mix of songs, both challenging and fun. The major downside is that the tracks you play aren't the master versions, so they will be the re-recorded versions that the companies themselves have done. This doesnt really affect the guitar track but vocal differences is blatantly obvious (listen to the version of Sweet Child O Mine and you'll see). The lack of online co-op really hurts the game, with your friends who own the game not being able to play with you online is real smack in the nether regions. However, when all is said and done, what matters on these games is the music and this game (considering when it was made) is a real gem, plus it has the best working guitar they've made so far.

Well I hope these concise and, fairly arrousing paragraphs, helped u in any decision making you have to do, or it may have been some non-sensical and intoxicated ramblings of a man with far too much time to spare but nonetheless, it was a pleasure.

DLC = We're Not Made of Money

Just before I begin to properly write this, I should let you know I own an Xbox 360 and have done for 5 years (and I'm happy with my choice) so I'm going to be writing this from a Microsoft point of view. I won't exclude any PS3 owners who read this and I won't "diss" you or your console, I'm just letting you know which side of the fence I'm on.

This is a post to all the hardcore, proper old-school gamers out there, people who actually work the behinds off to get Achievements and/or Trophies. Over the years, games have, on the whole, been either retail 1000 Gamerscore or have an additional 1250G to get. However, over the last year or so, Downloadable Content has just become ridiculous. Game scores going up to random and ridiculous numbers - Fallout 3 = 1450 (so far!) - Gears of War 2 = 1425 (so far!) - Halo 3 = 1750 - Its pandemonium I tell you!

I didn't have a problem with DLC to begin with, I actually quite welcomed the idea. Developers had a good idea after the game had been released which they wanted to incorporate and so released it as DLC a few months after the release for the fee of 800 Microsoft Points, even a few extra achievements to go with it. Now however, instead of thinking of ideas after the game has come out, developers try to think of DLC beforehand, ready to charge people extra before the game itself has even come out - DLC is announced before the f******* retail game is even on the shelves!

There are some DLC packs worth paying for e.g. pretty much all of Fallout 3's packs (which I think is one of the best games ever made and doesn't always get the respect it deserves, people escape the Vault and give up) Point Lookout in the Swamps with Inbreds, Broken Steel changing the ending to the game completely, The Pitt allowing you to liberate the slaves of Pittsburgh and Operation: Anchorage sending you "back in time" to relive the freedom of Alaska from Chinese forces, the originality of the content was admirable. Also the maps of Nazi Zombies on CoD: World at War are also very much worth the money, a story generating out it (which I applaud) was what sold it for me but the carnage and fun of the never-ending game mode provides hours of enjoyment.

Now however, every single game released now has DLC ready and some games which were released over a year ago are bringing out content now. Not being rude, but double you tee eff (WTF). I just think game designers + developers need to see we aren't made of money, we can't pay for every single DLC pack on every game and its very annoying for achievement getters when a game we maxed months ago gets 12 new DLC achievements.

Any 360 Gamers out there let me know what you think but if your one of those people that just play Call of Duty 4 and FIFA 09 with a Gamerscore between 500 to 2000 G, don't leave a comment because it'll just be something like "M16 BeAsT! 4 Life - I use JuGGerNauT so What?"

If you want to add me on Xbox LIVE my Gamertag is xJimiHendrix92x

New Generation of Comedy

Due to the shitty weather destroying my tv signals, I have recently been forced to take refuge in Internet TV. Luckily, a few weeks ago, a friend of mine introduced me to a show I heared alot about but never remembered to watch it. This show is called The Inbetweeners. Some of you may now be saying "Oh yeah I watch it all the time" but there may be a fair number of people reading this thinking "Oh yeah I've heard of that but I haven't seen it............yet". Allow me to enlighten you.

It revolves around the central character of William McKenzie, affectionately known by his classmates as "Briefcase Wanker". His dad has left his mum (why, I do not know) and he now has to finish off his education at a normal state comprehensive. Fortunately for him, three pupils befriend him. However at the same time, these three aren't at the top of the popularity tree. Simon, Jay and Neill all welcome Will in to their tiny group, in which they all discuss one dominant topic: Sex. The simple formula of boys trying to shag girls works brilliantly thanks to the performances of the 4 young cast members. The boys all differ slightly in their group and it is well balanced. Also, you can often compare some of your friends to one of the four.

Will provides the narrative and the perspective from which we get the story. He is well mannered and brown-noses the teachers and parents. The insults bounce off him since he's had so much abuse but most of the time brings it on himself, like wearing a tight black vest top which usually buff gay body builders wear. Simon is probably my favourite, the all-rounder of the group. He is nice to girls but enjoys sex like the others and joins in with the dirt talk. However, he is obsessed with trying to get with a girl named Carli, but his romantic gestures often backfire hilariously. Jay is pure dirt, always focusing on girls as fuckable objects and non-stop talks about sex and often insults the others for no reason, either saying he'd fuck Will's mum or how he'd stay away from Neill's dad. He exaggerates his sexual escapades whenever possible which Will often instantly dismisses as bogus. Finally there's Neill, a gentle but confused soul. He is Jay's right hand man and usually follows his lead. Just as sex crazed as the rest, Neill's happy face and child-like mannerisms make him the comic relief.

What I like most about the show, is that these 4 boys have an amazingly bad (and funny) time doing things such as going to London for a night out or going on a field trip to a seaside town but they're not ridiculously farfetched either, so the credibility remains which I think is important.

There are also a few other characters who make an appearence who provide classic moments. Neill's dad (Whose not bent) constantly denies his homosexuality, as does Neill, but then eventually gets called a "Bum-der" by Will after a few drinks. Will's mum (possibly the definition of the word MILF) is often the focal point of the boy's fantasies. Simon's parents (his dad especially) who openly discuss their sexual relations in front of and to him, something that would make us all turn away in disgust, to be honest I'd rather mix electricity and water than parents and sex. Gilbert, the school's headteacher, who doesn't take bullshit from anyone and also doesn't believe in grassing. Donovan, the bully who terrorises the boys every now and then, mostly Will since he somehow stole Charlotte Hingecliff AKA Charlotte Bigjuggs off him. But my favourite of all is Patrice, Simon's french exchange who quickly rises above the boy's popularity levels and even manages to shag Charlotte before Will does, all in one episode. He barely says anything, chain smokes and wears a leather jacket. The man is amazing.

The best thing I think I like about this though is that I feel it's captured our generations sense of humour perfectly. For instance, when Will shouts at some seagulls out of nowhere, or when Jay shoots a flare up in the air when they're only about 50ft away from the harbour in broad daylight, these moments I find for whatever reason amazingly funny. I feel that my parents or anyone over the age of 30 probably wouldn't find The Inbetweeners funny, but I don't think they're supossed to. With our generation there has a evolved a new sense of humour I feel, one which finds some of the most peculiar things just lol worthy.

If you haven't already, check out The Inbetweeners at 4 on Demand where you can watch all episodes of both series.

RIP Michael Jackson 1958 - 2009

I was playing an intense game of CoD World at War Nazi Zombies with my friends online. The storms outside made the atmosphere even more intense. Lightning flashing and the thunder shouting was epic. However, the happy mood of my friends and I blocked out the dark world around us. I then heard a knock at my door, my auntie poked her head round and simply said "Michael Jackson has died". I went hollow.

It took me some time to process the information. My initial reaction was denial. I thought "No this can't be right". But after frantically rushing to the nearest news channel it was clear that the King of Pop had passed away. I post this article as a mere tribute to him, a tribute that is just one among many that have been created by a world in mourning. Facebook groups created, people buying his merchandise, radio stations playing his songs pretty much 24/7 - Everybody feels some sense of loss.

Now I understand that there were various controversial issues involving his personal life, accusations of child molestation, acts with his own children etc. You either take two views on this: You either understand that everyone is human, makes mistakes and see that clearly the man was confused thanks to his own abusive childhood which was stolen from him - or you make just out of order jokes and repeat the words "Pedo Pedo Pedo, Pedo with white glove" which I'm sure at least one asshole will leave on the comments section. If you do the latter I think you are incredibly narrow minded and you possibly have no shame (In short, you are Paris Hilton).

Remember him for his musical genius. Remember his incredible live performances. Remember his unique dance moves. Don't tell me you never tried to Moonwalk - we all have. All I can really say is that he will be sorely missed, from the Moonwalking of Billie Jean, the ABCs of the Jackson 5 to the scary video of Thriller, I think we all miss MJ, May He Rest In Peace.

Screamers aren't funny

I was recently roaming YouTube, probably one of my most viewed sites ever in the history of the internet (along with Facebook), searching for live performances by Jimi Hendrix, songs on Guitar Hero on Expert 100% or funny things that make me laugh like Scrubs or WWE moments. I typed in to search Float On by Modest Mouse. I eventually found a good quality version on my phone by some weird guy who had made a video containing the lyrics and some very, very dire animations to accompany these words. Anyway, I allowed the video to play, whacked the phone in my pocket and continued playing on my Xbox 360 (Best Console Ever - Bar the N64).

Then, as I was merrily killing my enemies, an almighty scream which lasted over 9 seconds blared out into my eardrums, sending a ripple through my body. The song then continued on but with me mortified.

I would like to make this clear as of now. Screamers are not funny. They never were and they never wil be. They are made by people who clearly have nothing decent to put on YouTube so they just want to ruin the reputation of the site. Stop making Screamers. STOP IT NOW!

Blood, Guts and Little Girls - Its F.E.A.R 2

Little Girls are officially much scarier than anything. I never played the first F.E.A.R or F.E.A.R Files but I was very aware of the main antagonist, namely Alma. A creepy little girl who is very much like the girl from the movie The Ring. I was also very worried when I found out that the developers that made F.E.A.R 2 also made the Condemned games. I was already scared I hadn't even put the disc in the tray.



F.E.A.R 2 is a First Person Shooter that revolves around Sgt. Michael Becket, a Soldier in the First Encounter Assault Recon (F.E.A.R) Squad who is sent in to arrest a woman named Genivive Artiside, who is responsible for something called Project Harbinger. Harbinger is a programme involving turning soldiers in puppets who are controlled telepathically from a Psychic Commando (intense stuff ain't it?). Anyway, you play the guy who didn't get all mentally messed up by getting exposed to all the psychosis stuff whereas all your pals freaked out and couldn't take it. Now I didn't fully understand the story, so I'm probably going to have to Wikipedia it and find out what happened in the first game but until then I'll put it as simply I as I think I can: This psycho woman Alma is hunting you down because you're a threat to her, you have to get to this device to "amplify your brainwaves and cause her's to overload". Now that's the story taken care of, I can tell you what I thought.



F.E.A.R 2 is pretty good shoot 'em up fun. Progressively getting harder, enemies getting tougher, more powerful weapons becoming available etc. The story is a bit hard to follow but I think it would make more sense if you played the first game (I didn't as I was put off by the Achievements). There is a very spooky, dark atmosphere about the game, even outside in the lighter areas you still walk around corners cautiously with your gun at the ready. A lack of music when playing really helps the tension as every little sound makes you turn around behind you to make sure "she" isn't there. A nice touch is that you can carry 4 weapons of any power e.g. You could have a Flamethrower, Rocket Launcher, Assault Rifle and a Sniper, and 4 Grenade Types, so explosive fun times. You even get to roam around in a mini Mech Suit, Transformers Style, and blow things and no Mo Fo can stop you. Every boy's dream. You also enter a Bullet Time Slow Motion mode and take out loads of enemies quick as a flash without getting hit but it is limited (obviously).



It's a pretty solid campaign with 14 Missions of pure ruin ur boxers moments, intense gunfights and general FPS fun. I think the horrible thing is that there are small moments, where bodies get dragged into a room and then disappear or a light falls down from the ceiling. Nothing threatening happens but you know something sooner or later is going hit you.

All in all, I would recommend this game. As long as you don't mind creepy.....creepy little girls.

What Happened to Normal Cartoons?

Now I'm not as good a conisseur of cartoons as I used to be, but I have several younger brothers and sisters that, when looking after them, I watch the cartoons and stuff with them. As I sit there staring at Dora the Explorer who is teaching kids Spanish before they speak English, I couldn't help thinking, why can't they just watch cartoons? They're kids for fuck sake! Let them just watch a cat chasing a mouse through a house while a rather large, faceless black housewife shouts at "Thomas!" (which now thinking back to it, was quite racist).

Sadly, my brothers have fallen victim to one of the most annoying and draining epidemics on Television, no, not Goldenballs, its the poor standard of programming on the Disney Channel. Good. Lord. Is there no cheesier form of programming in the history of human kind? The Suite Life of Zac and Cody, Camp Rock, Sleepover Club. These children don't deserve this kind of torture. No one does. I enjoyed my childhood viewing. Johnny Bravo, the inappropriate blonde haired "Ladies Man", Ed, Edd and Eddy, three guys who did anything for money and jawbreakers...and the piece de resistance, Wacky Racers!

There were a few cartoons and shows I didn't like as a kid but I just used to watch it because it made me laugh. I don't want to learn all the state capitals and sing along to songs about Brazil, learning, was for school! That was the purpose of school. With the shows of today, kids will be taught from Home by Diego and Mickey Mouse. I just wanted a show about a boy who had a secret laboratory behind his bookcase. Is it too much to ask?

Bring back the good cartoons - Dexter's Laboratory, Wacky Racers, Secret Agent Squirrel, Ed, Edd and Eddy, Top Cat and of course, Hong Kong Phooey, who may I add is the Number One, Super Guy.

Liverpool's Back Four Concern

Although their name gets thrown in to the Premier League Title Race Raffle every year, they always seem to be the outside option, they're either not consistent enough, have some wretched injuries or just end up having plain bad luck. I am refering to Liverpool of course.



Despite their potent strike force, solid midfield and probably the best captain (and possibly some would argue best player in the Premiership) behind them, they have still never been able to get their hands on the one trophy that all Liverpool fans, players and coaching staff all want: The Title. I think this may be due to the fact that they do not have a solid back four. Granted they do have Jamie Carragher, a player who is as good as his voice is annoying, and Martin Skirtel, a man who looks like he has escaped from a Romanian jail, they don't play together on a regular basis. You could pin this lack of partnership on Rafael Benitez, who enjoys swapping his team around and keeping things fresh but I don't believe it does any good for the defenders as understanding and experience of playing together, game in game out, is the only way for defenders to gel together.



Hopefully after all the boardroom disputes have been settled and everything has become calm behind the scenes at Anfield, Benitez will be able to take a good long look at his team and assess the strengths and weaknesses. I think their midfield is solid, Gerrard can and would play pretty much anywhere on the pitch as long as he gets to wear a Liverpool jersey, Riera and Babel offer width and pace to the team down the wings and Torres can take care of things in the box with Kuyt chipping in with a few goals here and there. I just think Carragher needs a solid partner, maybe Phillip Mexes from AS Roma or Rafael Marquez from Barcelona. Arebola and Aureillio seem to lack the quality needed for a such a big club, meeting the criteria of a squad player but not a first teamer.



Hopefully I haven't been to harsh on the red half of Merseyside. Yes I am a Man Utd fan and yes I do hate them but there's no denying they are a very good team and could beat anyone on their day. I hate them but I respect them.

A Dose of Reality

Britain's Got Talent, Britain's Got More Talent, X-Factor, American Idol, Big Brother, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Where the hell has all the decent TV gone?

When I tune in, I usually stick to the same channels and watch more or less the same type of shows. I mostly watch American sitcoms and Sky Sports, watching Manchester United wining and Liverpool losing, or coming home early at 12.10 and catching Scrubs, which has provided me with many hilarious quotes to exchange with my fellow blogger and good friend, Sam Cook. I'm love laughing and reflect that in my shows, Flight of the Conchords, Family Guy, Only Fools and Horses but NOT King of Queens. However, reality shows have become like a television Starbucks, they're everywhere and taking out the smaller shows as they conquerer our screens.

Britain's Got Talent is a showcase for all the weirdos in Britain to come crawling out of their mother's basements, and either doing some shitty magic act or dressing up as woman and singing "I Will Survive" (Damn Gloria Gaynor). To be honest, I have no idea why grown men would choose Lilly Savage or Edna Everage as a role model. I will hold my hands up and say I watch The X-Factor in the opening stages where all the crap and disillusioned people make asses of themselves, because it's painfully funny. Watching a middle class 18 year old Birmingham single mother with nine kids telling Simon Cowell she'll be the next Mariah Carey just tickles my pickle...

Im a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! annoys the shiz out of me. Reason One: The title of the show is false advertising by using the word "celebrity". I guarantee you, your mother or father (if you are below 17/18) will say "Oh I remember her! She slept with some guy from Grange Hill" or "Yeah didn't he used to be the ugly guy in East 17?" or something along those lines.

I can handle watching Soaps like Hollyoaks or Eastenders (Phil's an alcoholic. Again!) but mainly because it gives verbal ammunition when chatting to girls. I would enjoy the abolishment of these shows, having them replaced with something - anything. I just think the TV writers have given up and companies have found a way to exploit the idiots of the country whilst people at home phone in and give money to ITV and the like, effectively saying "I wish to see more of these idiots. I would like more idiots of this calibre please, quench my idiot thirst".

My message as TV Messiah is simple: Watch Scrubs, Two and a Half Men and Gillette Soccer Saturday!

Barton: Enough is Enough

The football week just gone was a positive one for myself as a Manchester United fan, we took another step towards the Premiership Title and gave ourselves an advantage in our Champions League 2nd Leg tie against Arsenal this week. Unfortunately Liverpool also triumphed over Newcastle, sending a much loved Northern team closer to the Coca Cola Championship.

However, although that game for Liverpool fans would have left smiles on their faces regarding the win, I would imagine they would be rather concerned and annoyed at Joey Barton, who maliciously took down Xabi Alonso, who was consequently stretchered off. Many pundits and fans alike praise Barton's ability as a footballer, which I too would agree with, he is a talented football player. However, I believe that he should stop be giving chances by the FA and be banned from football.

Well ok, maybe not banned for life but I think the FA should certainly just stop handing out these temporary bans, slaps on the wrist and feather across the knuckles. Barton has made several contentious tackles and outbursts in the past and has been given the same punishment over and over again. I think the FA need to take much more serious action about calming down this ex-convict and putting him in his place and let him know he can't just brake people's legs left, right and centre!

Even though I am a Man Utd fan and obviously have much higher than average hatred of Liverpool FC, I never like to see a footballer get badly injured. I felt queezy at the sight of Eduaro's leg getting violated and today was another "look-away" moment when Alonso was mauled by Barton. I know some Newcastle fans may come back with "Sam, you can't say Barton should be banned when Roy Keane was a much dirtier player". Well, to them I say, there's a difference. Keane was good. Roy Keane has also never spent time behind bars and provided hours of footballing entertainment.

Joey Barton is nothing but a mere spoilt little boy who, whenever he gets frustrated and his team starts losing, loses his rag and lashes out at footballers with some actual talent and skill. One things for sure: Boys got issues....

Ronaldo: Here Today, Galactico Tomorrow?

Ask most Manchester United fans and they will probably tell you that they're favourite player is Cristiano Ronaldo. It's inevitable. The 23-year old Midfielder has blossomed into one of the most talented footballers on the planet, along with Lionel Messi, Kaka and Ronaldinho (even though the latter has more or less disappeared off of the footballing radar).



However, no matter how well our No. 7 plays, during the closing months of the season we can already smell the paella and hear the marchas over the horizon as Real Madrid make their periodic transfer market bid for the Portguese Winger. I'm can't speak for all fans but I just can't see Ronaldo sticking around in the drery Salford area when he could be making a bid for the La Liga title in sunny Madrid.



I believe that the temptation of becoming a Galactico will be too much for Ronaldo to resist. Personally, I wouldn't be surprised if he packed up his boots and headed for the Bernabeau, since he has won every trophy possible in England and done everything he can in a Man Utd Shirt. Ferguson has pulled out a diamond in the rough to replace Beckham, and now it is time for Ronaldo to spread his wings. Don't get me wrong, I want Ronaldo to sign a contract for life and become the new George Best (Bar the domestic violence and drinking).


In short, I believe that the Manchester United era of Cristiano Ronaldo's career will be coming to a close in the near future. The bright lights of the Bernabeau will soon be the home to the Portugese Hotstepper and Old Trafford will be a mere memory, with the chants of Ronaldo's name echoing through the tunnels, changing rooms....and the oh so full up Trophy Cabinet.

New Music Sucks

Is it just me, or does the music that spawns from the mouths and instruments of artists today lack quality? I may be generalising hugely but I think that I do make I good point. Personally, I find the sound of the "Lady Ga Ga" and "The Ting Tings" the equivilant of gerkins in McDonalds burgers - NO ONE LIKES THEM!

For starters, the lyrics are not the most sincere or deepest words I've heard. Songs about underwear, local offlicences or their boyfriends hair is not something I would give valuable seconds of my life to listen to. I could be doing much more useful things like picking up chicks or learning to drive (which would help immensley with my chick picking). These "artists" could write songs about anything if they put their mind to it, but that would mean working hard, practicing and not using the very first thing you think of. That will not happen.

Then we move on to the number one enemy on my music list - Dance music. I find it hard to even consider an ominous beat with one sentence repeated every 30 seconds music. The DJs themselves are considered artists, which I dispise. Some Swedish DJ mixs up some crap in his bedroom and then considers himself a musical genius because he has 10 hits on YouTube. Go have an orgy you blonde bastard.

Then we come to a genre which I don't really like but I wish no harm - Rap. At least the words involved are (or at least used to be) of some degree about the struggle of young black men in the Ghetto. And Eminem. Although now, I find the stylings of 50 Cent and his G-Unit very angry about how they can afford everything and their Bitches and Hos need a lesson in respect. I also find the rap wars between people like Jay-Z, Ja "Jeffery" Rule and T-Pain rather pathetic.

I find Rock/Rock 'n' Roll and Jimi Hendrix the best categories of music since they play their own instruments, sing well and put some passion and feeling into their work and its not just about the money. Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll. Awwwwwwww Yeah.

Street Fighter IV - Return of a Classic

What's all this? Street Fighter? On a 3rd Generation Console? In 3D?



Yes, your eyes do not deceive you. Ryu, Ken, Guile, Blanka and that speedy bastard Bison are back to kick your joypad all over the place. New characters, new game modes, unique character moves and Xbox LIVE and Playstation Network battles allow you to challenge people all over the world and allow them to get better acquainted with your combos.



I haven't played the game that long, but I am big Street Fighter fan and I loved the previous titles on the old -school consoles like the Super Nintendo and was quite excited when I heard that Street Fighter IV was winging its way to my Xbox 360. Although, I found that no hype was made in any way, shape or form about the revival of the fighting game. Oh well, I have it now.



Good news for all: Capcom have changed no aspects of the gameplay. All the punch, kick, combos and the like haven't been tinkered with, they just feel a lot smoother when performing them. Strangely, I can still remember most of Ryu's combos thanks to hours of button bashing in the past and those skills haven't been wasted thanks to this lack of change. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Someone should tell that to a certain design developer at Epic Games...



Admittedly, fighting games do seem to be mostly the same which ever one you buy and have probably run their course by now, however, SF IV is a damn good way to prove skeptics wrong. Thanks to the added element of Super and Ultra Combos, you can release some truly damaging moves. And they look pretty cool.



Ultra and Super Combos are unique to each character and are visually stunning. There are many new characters that allow newcomers and veterans alike to start learning new kick ass moves to lay down and taunt their opponents online with. Like Japanese student Sakura, Lucha Libre El Fuerte and martial arts master Gen. All of which make up a pretty diverse bunch.

All in all, this shit is happening!

You, Buy Now!

Guitar Hero or Guitar Zero

Back in the very long summer holiday that we had after doing our GCSEs, I purchased Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. I thoroughly enjoyed playing it and eventually became quite good at it, managing to play on Hard and Expert. My friends then joined me in my rock star fantasy and we had good fun rocking out to some classic tracks such as Sweet Child O' Mine, Freebird, Are You Gonna Go My Way, Welcome to the Jungle and Do It Again. However, I find that whenever I mention to anyone who plays an instrument that I have played Guitar Hero, they immediately verbally abuse me and say things like "You can't really do it!", "Stop living a fantasy!" and "You have no idea how hard it really is!". I never said I could play real guitar, although I have bought one and I am learning so ha.

This is a very short article, but leave a comment or two and let me know how you guys feel. Guitar Hero is there for fun, not so people can say "Yeah I play Guitar................Hero".

Liverpool - A Ticking Time Bomb

The moment it all fell apart

Liverpool Football Club, one of the most famous teams in the world and currently still the most successful team in English history. Premier League champions 09-10? They wish....

Before reading this article, you must know that I am a Manchester United fan and have been so since 1995, so I obviously have some bias views on this topic but I will try to keep my words as in perspective as possible.

Every year in the Premiership, the usual winners names are tossed around, Man U, Chelsea, Arsenal and Liverpool as an outside chance. Although it has been proven many times that Liverpool are a powerful team to be reckoned with, I personally just can't ever see them grasping the title and spraying champagne everywhere, while Rafael Benitez sits calmly on the bench showing no emotion as usual. Even Arsenal are now a fading light of a team, with their young talent unable to get leadership and sometimes losing their heads on the pitch causing them to fall behind in the title race. Granted Liverpool are currently second in the table with only two points behind Manchester United, I think everyone is just waiting for the clock to hit 12 on their Cinderella season.

I can easily see them lifting many of the other silverware on offer to them, such as the Champions League or FA Cup and at the same time giving us neutrals incredibly close and tense matches to watch as they score with -10 minutes to go. However, I think Rafa, the players and the fans want to win the league, seeing as it is the last trophy they have yet to win since the Premier League's formation back in 1992.

I also probably wouldn't have written this article had Robbie Keane not spoken out in earlier in the month about telling Benitez to "Stick" his medal. He doesn't even have a medal to stick you Irish failure! Then the beanpole bad boy Peter Crouch sticks his oar in and agrees with Keane. Crouch doesn't deserve Meals on Wheels!

All in all, I don't think Liverpool will win the league, at least not with their current manager who unnecessarily changes the team for no reason and lack of depth they have within the squad. Gerrard gets injured and Lukas replaces him. Not very reassuring is it? Feel free to comment and tell me how right or wrong I am.

Return of AC/DC: Modern great or money maker?

AC/DC are back with avengence!

Black Ice is the returning album of rock 'n' roll titans AC/DC, showing that class is truly permanent. Like a fine wine, they have gotten better with age, and yes, their fashion sense may be a tad out of date and have a grey hair here and there but they sound like they've never been away.

Their new feature album is 15 tracks of pure gold. I'm a rock/rock 'n' roll lover and have bought many albums such as Appetite for Destruction, Death Magnetic and I would like to buy Chinese Democracy and now I can because I've been saving up the money for the past 7 years and finally have enough. Anyway, I would strongly recommend buying this album since it contains all the things a brilliant rock album should: powerful and distinctive vocals, kick ass guitar solos/riffs and lyrics that don't contain random swearing. Fun for the whole family!

Thankfully, this isn't a hollow attempt from the band to try and earn more money, they have actually collaborated together again and have put pure passion into playing. If you don't believe me, listen to Brian Johnson's vocals and tell me he's not giving it his all. Angus Young has some sweet solos without overdoing it too much, putting emotion into every chord.

There's not much more I can say about this modern classic. Except buy it.

Rock 'n' Roll with Black Ice

FIFA 09 vs PES 09 - The Fightback

You may have heard in a related article by one of my "peers" that Pro Evolution Soccer 2009 has brutally knocked FIFA 09 out cold, crashing to the canvas with the ten count imminently approaching. Believe not these words of lies! You have only heard one side of the story (from what I understand is very biased source).

Admittedly, yes, over the past few years EA has become sloppy, putting mediocre features onto out of date consoles that did not have the ability to make FIFA a good game to play. At the same time, PES was a steadily growing force in the background, gathering many good reviews from fans and journalists alike. I myself was a firm PES follower until this year when I personally sampled the two games. I was disappointed with this edition of PES. It seems all they have done have stuck a new face on the front, in the form of Lionel Messi. Style over substance, it seems.

FIFA's loss was PES' gain. People were rapidly liking this idea of competition that was actually better than FIFA, unlike such things as THIS IS FOOTBALL which for some reason can't say its name without shouting. As PES grew in power, FIFA was dying out, trying each year to make itself better but had no fresh ideas to keep people interested. PES 6 was born and it seemed that the final nail had firmly been placed in the FIFA coffin.

However, since then, PES has been growing stale and FIFA has had a breath of new life in to it since the conversion to next gen consoles. After PES 2008, I began to worry. The game had become far too easy and scoring was just too simple. As long as you had the ball in their half, just shoot. Job done. At least FIFA attempted to make something that resembled real life football instead of a game that if you had Ronaldinho in your team you automatically won 6-0.

Now we come to PES 2009. Oh dear. What has happened? Our beloved PES has become the FIFA of old. They protest against these claims with their "new" Be a Pro mode. New. I'm sorry Konami but FIFA had that last year. And why can't they spell Uefa Champions League without an unnessecary font of anger? E.g. UEFA CHAMPIONS LEAGUE. Also, the Master League. A poor man's version of the Manager Mode of FIFA, a knocked off game mode that fell off the back of EA's lorry and Konami snapped up and named it differently hoping no one would notice. I did. I'm pretty sure everyone else did too.

Now don't get me wrong, PES 2009 isn't terrible. It has some perks that I will admit Konami has thrown in to keep people true to the PES brand but I'm afraid it just isn't enough for me, who will this year buy the FIFA edition of football game for the first time in quite a while. I have turned my back on PES but with good reason. They have declined in standard and gone downhill dramatically.

If you only return one game this year, return PES 2009 for FIFA 09 instead. Trust me.